A story was told to me...

Three Feathers walked down a path.  One he had known his whole life.  The same path his ancestors walked.  He knew the curves, grass, leaves, and bumps.  On this day he noticed the bumps were tree stumps.  Three Feathers stopped and bent down to one of these stumps.  He began to really look at the stump.  It was strong.  It bounded out of its earth to help its tree. 

Three Feathers stood up after a while and noticed the path had changed.  It was the same path, but it was somehow different.  So different, the curves seemed much stronger and more directing.  The grass waved to him playfully as he passed.  He was not alone on this path. 

Three Feathers was never alone again. 

This story showed me that the simple things which go unnoticed can give us the greatest strength.  

Simple thoughts

I often ask myself where did that come from or where did my mind go wrong? Haven't you asked yourself the same thing. These little moments of the unexplained lead to great discoveries. Open your your heart and your minds eye. Know the truth that you seek. Ask the right questions... am I the right person to give advice, who knows for sure, but it seems to keep coming out of me so I will keep giving. I am still a grade-schooler learning how to write in the great big world. I am trying my best. And like all children I am making mistakes. Some big and some small, but all seem like the end of the world. Maybe one day, when I'm Older, it wont seem so bad.

To all you grade-schoolers out there... lets stop playing hide and seek and go jump on a merry-go-round. Spin and spin till we are too dizzy to do anything but laugh! Remind ourselves that life is not to be taken quite so seriously.

Send it out there, Be brave

Send it out there that wonderfulness that is you. Send it to the world, blind them. Show your colors layers and depth. The light sparkles through is what I am talking about. Wake up and smile for you are alive and clever. Remember these late night meetings are one way to connect forever. So proud are your ancestors they come to you in dreams and happenstance. They love you. So when it gets tough be brave, know there are those who stand by you even when you feel alone. There is always someone there silently guiding you. Someone who already knows your layers and loves you for them even your darkest and deepest. In time, you will understands these ravings more clearly than now. Observe everything. See. Decide and be brave. Because when you SEE, the ones that don't will try to undermine that Sight. Know your Truth and Be Brave!

Lately I have taken to stream thought writing. This is my latest that needed to be sent out to the world and of course my loves.

Fireflies

So often we determine our present from our past. It is true the past is what gives us shape and helps us become ourselves of today. But do we relive, worry, or constantly suffer the mistakes of our past? Do you call up a wronged person and confess thirty years later because you feel bad? Does one lie soil you forever? Does a heartbreak ever mend? We suffer for money, things, lifestyle so to speak. When do you stop and realize you suffer for nothing? Will you see the firefly in your life? That glowing spark that is in the corner of your eye that only you can see? The one that tells you all the answers to all your questions. Stop, Just stop. Sit and focus. Not on your technology, not on the sounds of all the modernness surrounding you, but on that firefly. Catch it in your minds eye. Ask it if the past mistakes are the only thing you should base your self worth on? No. There is more to you than mistakes. Oh there is so much more. In each moment you create memories good, bad, and boring. But its really those little boring ones that define you. The ones that neither cause stress or relief. They just are. The amazing thing about those is that they are so abundant and so overlooked. They are what you need to face the good and the bad. They help heal and guide you. So when you fall back to the worry. The bad is not All they will remember. The good is not all there will be... Because there will be so many of the boring. They are sands that fill the hourglass of your life. Each so individual and beautiful yet all so plain. :) Smile. Love. Enjoy the here and now. Oh... enjoy the fireflies! They make life interesting.

Adult Education

Again in front of my computer noticing the everything and nothing all at once. Listening to a favorite song from my childhood... I realize... When do you learn to be an adult? Let's just stop a minute and think... It wasn't when we first spoke or walked or even had sex. That was not the moment. Not our first drink or our experience with death. So When?

I find myself thinking of this because of the many interactions I have had of late mostly with younger generations... not that I see myself as THAT old I still have much to learn myself... I deal with the infant who truly knows nothing but their needs and cries for each and every one... I deal with the child who knows there is more but cannot really comprehend the more and falls back to crying for their needs... I deal with the young adult so sure of all their needs and so self righteous that they demand all other conform to their point of view and when that is not met... they cry, well shout... And the not yet grown grownup who demands solidarity and yet requires assistance and when it is not given they no longer cry... they sulk... And the elderly who have seen almost all and know so much and yet act as tho they know so little, such wonderful teachers,... They have more needs than before and feel ashamed and cry... We shame them because we become afraid of them... And there is me... the somewhere between grownup... believing I have grown up and become an adult trying to keep a steady supply of tissues and compassion. And when I fail as will happen, I weep.

So where is this "Adult Education"? When do we learn to stop being completely selfish and learn that we have to help others? When do we learn true sacrifice? There is just so much that makes us adult and yet childlike. Why is it the hurt can cause us to wail and become the small child who is getting chided by a favorite parent? Or the Anger that Rages so hot it is as if you will never feel calm again. Are you an adult when you truly realize you make mistakes and do not know everything? When you forgive those who hurt you because you know they are wounded? When your rage becomes tears? Are you an adult when you realize that right here and right now is the best? I wish I knew the answer I only know the search.

I share this because today of all days has been an extraordinarily trying one, filled with tantrums, arguments, and misunderstandings. Yet the love I feel for these people still flows strong. Why is it I can forgive the wrongdoer and kiss their wounds? Why when only a short time ago I was filled with such rage? Why... because simply... I am They and They are Me. We all have been there or will soon be. Maybe that is the only real Adult Education. "Believe it or not There IS life after High School."

Its Just Another New Year's Eve

Hello my lovelies,

As Barry Manilow says it so well... "Its Just another New Year's Eve, Another night like all the rest." Happy New Year. Another gone and with so little fanfare. But what an amazing one, My honey finally published his book. My girls are now becoming. My little family unit is consolidating. And yet...how often I have thought of my mother this year.

Mom... I seem to miss her more and more. I am slowly understanding all the hardships she went through and how much she hid from me. Each hardship was an adventure. Each move or strife a choice not consequence. I often miss her guidance. I hear Barry Manilow, her favorite singer, when I am confused or concerned about something and I feel her presence. I wonder if this is true for all people? Does everyone have something, music or movie or familiar taste or smell, that will bring comfort as if a hug from a dead loved one?

Things are tough all over they say. It was always tough with Mom. She hardly had enough to make the ends meet. This year was to be a small affair with little in the way of presents but full of love. I was kind of excited to share this with my girls teach them more about love than gifts... To our surprise we had a visit from Santa. Boy were my girls thrilled. I just wonder what if and can I be like Mom. Can I spin any new threat to be an adventure... huh.

I remember the changing of the year to 2000. My weren't we all paranoid. Bought too much food, stocked up on wild survival stuff... And then it was "just another New Year's Eve" with all the fireworks...all the drinking... all the food and all the FIREWORKS... lol ummmm.... welll..... :) Mmmmn Yeah, This year we watched as other people sent fireworks to the sky and played board games and made homemade dip and drank sparkling grape juice. The simplicity was heartwarming. It gave me new hope.

I can honestly say that I know tomorrow I will not be alone and my family will still be there and we will still continue to love each other. Its an amazing feeling loving each other. We are not always happy. We don't always agree, but we have love.

My youngest says to me "Mommy, Love is the most important thing right?" I respond, "Yes, baby... Love your family, friends and self." She smiles and adds "And dogs and cats and babies... Mommy? Do I have to love spiders?" I laugh and kiss her on her head for by this point she has usually crawled up in my lap. "I love you." I say...

"Its just another New Year's Eve, Its just another Auld Lang Syn, But When we are through this New Year, You'll See will be just fine."

Thank you Mom... Happy New Year Everyone. And If you haven't said I love you to someone you love yet this year! That should be your Resolution! Don't let anyone Forget they are loved!

Turkey at 3:30

The crazy peacefulness of Halloween is over. The candy has jacked up the kids and Tis the Season is exploding all around. Now is the time to prepare for dinner with strangers... yeapers that means family...and get ready for arguements and scornful glances...Then the ever fun... Tell everyone what your thankful for...

Seriously this is what it is like for most people, come on they Make movies about it!

I have been pondering the next major Holiday and what it means to me? When was I the most happy. Some would claim childhood, but I have found that my Thanksgivings are always more fulfilling if I spend them with the black sheep as I have always been one myself. Late night evening Turkey served at 3:30 am for the waiters and waitresses who are away from home and worked all night serving. I miss my misfit band on Turkey day!Or to a small group of friends who wanted to make sure I was not alone! Yeah, I have some great friends. But I tell ya, nothing like beer and turkey at 3:30 am. I want to take my kids to feed the homeless and all such, its not the same, but I will "norman rockwell" it, if it means my honey and kiddos are happy

I have been introduced to families that are always together. Every thinkable holiday there they are. Faces full of smiles. Hidden resentment. And like any good high school click, you don't follow you don't fit. I have faced this knowing that it doesn't matter near as much as those friends. Knowing that playing this role is taking me away from my REAL family. I want to have My 3:30 am dinner. I want to see my old friends and I want say Thank You. I want to be able to HONESTLY look around my blanket on the floor at the people around not necessarily knowing their names or anything about them and Be THANKFUL they are there with me!

I join the new "family" tradition. All the while knowing they don't know me or want to. The way our views clash and how we are not allowed to clash. I have several friends whom I love dearly and disagree with almost daily! You know who you are. But it didn't matter. The smiles from these people were and are real, this family thing seems so false. "keep the peace" No active discussions agree or shut up. I recall a favorite night out involved little drinking and no sex, just an two hour long discussion on abortion... with a person I just met. It was an active debate and we smiled through it and when our mutual friend wanted to talk about something else we just agreed to disagree and moved on to whether Star Wars or Empire was better! I can't imagine that in this current setting, I cant imagine this new family watching Star Wars... but I am sure they could tell me the schematics of the war/space program. I try to add to a conversation and I feel as if the whole scene should just be posted on Epic FAIL. So join the other family, even worse, I have been the black sheep there since birth, literally... so I am blamed for my mere existence and lack of communication. Don't EVEN get me started on Religion! They have NO CLUE what their own brother believes much less me! Ahhh, I loved sitting across from mexicans, african americans, chinese and white people alike. Not hearing racial slurs and laughing. At those 3:30 dinners... it didn't matter... it was music and stupid jokes about stupid things like bodily functions, quoting favorite comics like Robin Williams. Where the people might be gay or might not and I was prolly the only one WITHOUT a weird piercing or tatoo! Back before tatoos and piercings were popular.

I need to figure this out, its such a hard time to deal with. If I ask to keep this holiday my own I get the "You aren't being part of the family." "Your keeping us from our brother blah blah blah" Sadly yes and no... Yes, I am not doing what you do, but No I just want my turkey! Oh and BTW half the time I am the one who tells him to call his family! I want my stuffing where everyone has to help make it. Its so much fun to see people who do not cook get thier hands dirty and get silly while mixing the bread and cornbread up! And then the oh so civilized sit down and rip apart this poor ritual sacrifice... Hey blame Joss Whedon he,actually his character Anya, pointed it out! And people singing to songs they claim to hate but know the words and smile the whole time they sing them off tune! Then followed by some good ole Metallica because really How Long can we stand to listen to xmas music so early! Then Everyone happy and sleepy from the turkey and a long day head home. Those who have come in to visit settle in the couch for a viewing of "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas" and then who knows... Maybe some Robin Williams.

Okay SCREW IT... THANKSGIVING! MY PLACE! Emmet Otter and Metallica! I'm Gonna Teach LOVE and Acceptance to my kids. Come if you want!